North Korean troops deployed to Russia may have discovered online pornography, and really gotten into it, the chief foreign affairs commentator for the Financial Times newspaper posted on X.
“A usually reliable source tells me that the North Korean soldiers who have deployed to Russia have never had unfettered access to the internet before,” wrote Gideon Rachman. “As a result, they are gorging on pornography.”
Rachman did not specify who his source was or how this person would be in a position to know whether roughly 10,000 North Koreans deployed to Russia had figured out how to find such adult sites, considering the country’s tight controls on internet use, but this is social media, and “some guy” on Twitter (ahem, I mean ‘X’) posting about whether North Korean troops are spending their downtime watching porn is enough to drive 1.5 million people to read the post, as of publication time.
Now, as the puppet musical “Avenue Q” taught us, the internet is for porn. But if North Korean troops now in Russia are indeed spending their time away from home in that fashion online, who’s to say what damage that could cause to the computers in their tactical operations center, once they become overrun with pop-ads for erectile dysfunction medication?
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Given the enormous signals intelligence capabilities that the Defense Department has, one might assume that the Pentagon would have a good idea of whether horny North Korean troops are at risk of bringing down the entire Russian network.
Alas, a brave Pentagon spokesperson had little to say about the matter.
“As entertaining as that sounds, I can’t confirm any North Korean internet habits or virtual ‘extracurriculars’ in Russia,” Army Lt. Col. Charlie Dietz told Task & Purpose. “We’re focused on the more serious aspects of North Korea’s involvement, if any, in Russia’s military operations. As for internet access, that’s a question best directed to Moscow. Right now, our attention remains on supporting Ukraine and addressing the more significant regional security concerns.”
Task & Purpose decided not to ask the Kremlin if its North Korean allies were using the Russian internet to view pornography because this reporter has no desire to fall from the balcony of a tall building.
In any event, the second- and third-order effects of exposing North Korean troops to internet porn are not yet known. A reliable source tells Task & Purpose that the Korean People’s Army is considering curing its troops of their lustful desires by using a fiendish piece of technology that will crush all their emotions including the will to live itself: The Defense Travel System.