I was getting ready for a night out when I spotted a “hey girlie” text from an unknown number flash across my screen.
“I’m Danny’s girlfriend and I saw some messages from you on his phone. I was wondering if you could help me?”
My eyes widened as I read the word “girlfriend.” I’ve never opened a message faster.
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Danny (not his real name) and I had been embroiled in a sexting situationship after matching on Hinge. It was just a bit of fun during a particularly busy work period that hadn’t left much time for in-person dates. But thinking about the nature of our chats, I feared what messages this poor woman had stumbled across.
I tapped the unfamiliar number and hit call, a wave of nervousness coming over me.
“I am so sorry, I had no idea he had a girlfriend,” I blurted out seconds into the call.
“Don’t worry, I know. You’re actually one of many,” his girlfriend responded in a kind tone. She told me that she and Danny were living together, about to get a mortgage together, and that she’d just discovered he’d been texting (and sexting) a web of other women, none of whom were any the wiser about the existence of his girlfriend.
When Danny accidentally synced his iPhone to his girlfriend’s laptop, she unearthed scores of screenshots of my messages. I dreaded to think what his girlfriend might have seen in those screenshots.
When she texted me saying she’d confronted him about her conversation with me and that he’d reacted very badly, I decided I didn’t want to give this man another opportunity to contact me. I didn’t need to say anything to him. Just block and move on with my day. It was a blissful feeling.
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Until then, I hadn’t been much of a blocker. I’d previously considered blocking a bit harsh, but that was likely due to my inability to set boundaries (which I’ve thankfully overcome since then). Certain situations in life call for hard boundaries.
So, what exactly are the rules of engagement around blocking people? Are there scenarios when blocking literally is too harsh?
When their behaviour is terrible: block ✅
When someone behaves in an unacceptable or disrespectful way towards you, blocking is always OK. If you fear for your safety, block them. Abuse, harassment, and non-consensual sexual messages or images are all reasonable grounds for blocking. Trust your instincts too: If a person has exhibited behaviours that make you feel uneasy about your safety, you shouldn’t feel guilty about blocking them.
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No contact after a breakup: block ✅
Annabelle Knight, sex and relationship expert at Lovehoney, says blocking someone is simply a digital version of setting boundaries for yourself and that it’s pretty common to hit the block button when you’re getting over a breakup.
In the immediate aftermath of a breakup, some people find it helpful to go “no contact.” This means no phone calls, texts, social media, emails, letters — literally no forms of contact. It means no in-person meet-ups and can also involve not contacting their friends or family, perhaps unfollowing these individuals on social media.
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“While [blocking] can be seen as an extreme decision, it can help if you feel that urge to initiate contact or take a peek at their profile to see what they’re up to — both of which may only prolong the healing or result in emotional hurt,” says Knight. “You can block your ex for many reasons: maybe you want to close any direct lines of communication, you don’t want to see their content, or you don’t want them to see your content. Although many people see it as intense in a digital world, it’s really no different to avoiding your ex in person,” she adds.
Trying to get a reaction from them: don’t block and unblock 🚫
If you feel the urge to unblock someone after blocking them, ask yourself why. Do you want attention? Did you block them to punish them and now you’re rethinking it? Perhaps you want them to get in touch with you? Examine the feelings at the root of this desire and whether it’s worth breaking this boundary with yourself.
Relationship counsellor Sophie Personne advises against yo-yo-ing between blocking and unblocking individuals, particularly if it’s being used as a manipulation tactic. “I have known clients to keep blocking and unblocking each other every time they had an argument,” says Personne. “It’s counterintuitive and destructive. It is restricting communication and is manipulative and controlling as you are controlling the level of communication.”
Avoiding being honest about your feelings: don’t block 🚫
Having difficult conversations can be nerve-wracking, and sometimes our urge to avoid conflict can make us bury our heads in the sand. For example, if you’re dating someone and want to reject them, it’s not cool to block them because you’re too afraid to be honest. Similarly, if you make plans to meet up and then change your mind: don’t just block them and stand them up (this is a behaviour I call cloaking). Afford the person the courtesy of cancelling the plans and spare them the hassle of showing up for a date that isn’t happening.
Using blocking as an ultimatum: don’t block 🚫
It’s not a good idea to use blocking as a threat. “Blocking also becomes the wrong route to take if you decide to use it as a way to leverage or manipulate your ex; it should never be used as an ultimatum or a threat,” says Knight. “Making the decision to block someone should be made on your feelings and your own terms, rather than involving them.”
In relationships, healthy communication strategies can be used to bring about positive changes. Ultimatums and threats should be avoided at all costs.
A temporary pause for healing: block ✅
If you’ve ended on good terms with someone but need a break to protect your peace and move on, blocking is totally fine. If you’re worried that the other person will be offended or it’ll come as a surprise, you could consider dropping them a line beforehand to explain your decision to (temporarily) block. “If you do decide that a block is what you need to heal, a simple conversation with your ex about this change in terms will help; you can still take time and space apart before reconnecting as friends,” says Knight.
When it comes to blocking, it can be an important boundary for protecting your physical and emotional safety. It can be an essential part of moving on from someone after a breakup. But it’s not a get-out-of-jail-free card to avoid awkward conversations or to manipulate people’s feelings. Use with caution.